"The two most awful dogs in existence"

That was my husbands quote tonight about our beasts. They are SO bad and we don't know how to fix them. Heff said if there was a reality TV show about awful, horrible, un-trainable dogs... we would be the first people they picked and they wouldn't be able to do anything to help these two. We've tried EVERYTHING... yes, they look innocent in these pictures in their new fancy beds (purchased only in the hopes of keeping them corralled) but they are really unbelievable in how bad they are...

This was our day (and not even the worst day, just a typical day):
12:30am ~ I've just fallen asleep. Woken up by Sage barking to go out. Heff gets up to let him out and waits for him to come in again (this, after we made them go out to go potty 15 minutes ago)
1:15am ~ Both woken up again to the sound of Sage's barking. Reason? Ollie is lying in "his" bed and he wants him out. Heff fixes the problem.
8:00am ~ I wake up and Heff says "The dogs were good last night" and I agree since only waking up twice is a miracle compared to the seven times one night last week
9:00pm ~ Like nails on a chalkboard, I hear Sage drinking out of the toilet and splashing water all over the floor. (Fixable problem you say? Leaving the toilet seat down or the door closed results in Sage barking until someone opens it and yes there is always water out for him in the kitchen)
11:00am ~ I'm nursing Francie, Heff in the shower after his run. Sage barks at the kitchen door to go out so I have to get up only to find the front door wide open where Sage just came from the front yard. Dumb dog. I sit back to down to finish feeding the poor baby and Sage barks AGAIN to come in as he's shut the door I propped open for him.
12:30pm ~ Eating lunch Heff and I actually get a laugh out of the faces Francie is making while Sage incessantly barks for food over and over and OVER until I finish my lunch (no I don't give him scraps, my Hacienda burrito went straight to the garbage can.. which I'm sure he will knock over tonight while we're sleeping)
1:00 ~ Ollie barking and getting in the way as Heff "de-poops" the lawn to mow it (what kind of a dog chases poop flying into the bushes?) THEN finds a squirrel and won't stop chasing it up and down the fence (Ollie ~ 0; Squirrel ~ 1)
2:00pm ~ Cleaning the house (empty the vacuum full of dog hair from 36 hours ago) and see the trail of PEE Sage has leaked while lounging on the hardwood floor. GROSS
4:00pm ~ Ollie has jumped up on our bed and gotten the comforter all muddy (despite the electric shock mat I have put there over and over to discourage him, now when he sees it he just jumps OVER it!)
9:00pm ~ Come home from dinner to find Sage lying on the leather chair (this has been my mission lately to at least get him OFF the furniture and as we walked up to the front door I said "I'll kill him if he's on the chair." at least they are predictable right? :)
10:00pm ~ Ollie in Sage's bed again, have to move them each to appropriate beds
11:00pm ~ Strange noise? Sage eating the diapers he's knocked out of the diaper pail. Again, GROSS.

So I'm off to bed... hopefully we'll have a "Good Night" again where our infant sleeps soundly through the night as usual and we only have to wake up 2-3 times for our animals.

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_**Update for anyone who cares :) Heff got up 5 times last night and I got up twice for the dogs barking to go out, switch beds, for no reason at all... that last one makes me the most happy ;)
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